It's nice timing (with the New Year upon us) that I have been engaged in some soul-searching and goal-setting during this holiday vacation. Many factors have contributed to my desire to better myself as a person, husband, and father: chatting with my brother-in-law, the John Denver song "Sunshine on my Shoulders", and two great talks in church this past Sunday. The second greatest factor in my change of heart would be my sweet wife, Patricia; and she is second only the promptings and help that I've felt from the Holy Spirit of God.
Emily Dickinson (bless her heart) had it all wrong. Jesus taught us otherwise: He can give us a new heart. In his Psalms, David pled with God for a clean heart, a new heart: "create in me a clean heart" (Psalms 51:10). God promises a new heart to those that accept Him: "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."(Ezekiel 36:26).
Here was my experience (in general terms): I've always known that I must conquer the evil that I do not want. There are sins I commit that fall under the category of giving into temptation at the moment, or (more frequently) not yielding to the Spirit in the moment. Those sins are easy. When I do something that I know in my heart is wrong for me, I naturally want to repent and change. But what about the evil that I do want? What about the corners of my heart wherein live the vices I enjoy, embrace, and relish? How to change those?
In August of 2012, while hiking Bryce Canyon and chatting with a dear friend, I made a realization that marked the beginning of this learning process: I can desire something with my heart, and at the same time not want to have that desire. For me, it is something deeper than a passing temptation. A passing temptation is usually at odds with my heart's desire. I see a passing temptation as a surging of the natural man inside me; I can recognize it; suppress it; and move on. And if I cannot do so, I can (and want to) repent. In Bryce Canyon, I experienced my version of Alma's words, when he said ". . .even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you. . ." (Alma 32:27). I falter at explaining the connection here; but I saw myself as one step removed from change. I didn't have the belief yet, but I desired to to have it. I didn't want to change, but I wanted to want to change.
The next major obstacle to overcome was severing the huge steel cable that connected my infected heart to my brain. This cable has a name. It's called justification. As if steel isn't strong enough, this cable of justification had an inner core of carborundum (hardest material on earth) known as selfishness. Usually selfishness is easy to see. Not when it's wrapped up in a steel cable of justification.
So how did I sever that cable? I had to recognize it first. And for my stubborn self, that took a long time. Once I recognized the ugly cable for what it was, I had a choice to make. I could ignore it: "What cable?", Protect it: "That cable belongs there. I'd die without it. Don't touch it!"; or take some Jaws of Life and cut it out: "But that's gonna hurt!"
What helped me? Pondering. Talking with those I trust. Reading the scriptures. Listening to good music. Recognizing the bad fruits of my infected heart. More talking. Hearing hard things. Allowing the Spirit to work in me. Making the choice to put my relationship with God, my wife, and my family above anything else. Talking about that choice. Writing it down. Embracing it.
For me, recognizing the existence of the justification and selfishness was the key to change. I had realized that I wanted to desire a change of heart some time ago; but not until I exposed the selfishness associated with my infection did I truly want to change. That process of realization took me over a year. From there, the process of making a decision to change--that took about 8 hours. The miracle was in the recovery time. Once I gave my old heart to God, I immediately felt a new heart within me. I felt purity in this new heart that didn't exist in my old one. This purity is inextricable intertwined with another powerful feeling: freedom. Wow. Praise be to God. He works miracles.
I stand guard. I like this new heart. I know it's fragile and that it needs protection. I also know that that cable of justification and selfishness dies hard--and it can re-position itself in a heartbeat (literally) if I am not careful. I also know that there will come a time again (if I listen carefully) that this new heart will need to be replaced again. Or at least that it will need regular monitoring and cleansing.
God can give you a new heart.
He wants to.
Let him.
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